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Religion Forum Index » Christian Methodist Forum » UMNS: Clergy couples (2 articles)
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 Posted: Wed Mar 31, 2004 8:00 am |
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(1.) Ministry presents benefits, challenges, for clergy couples
Mar. 30, 2004
By Reed Criswell and Elisabeth Stagg*
DURHAM, N.C. (UMNS) - An inevitable outgrowth of women's ordination,
clergy marriages bring both distinctive rewards and challenges.
Placements, whether in the same or separate churches, can be tricky and
child care is often complicated. But these unions also make for
extraordinary, enriching ministries, both for clergy couples and the
parishioners they serve.
When Carol and David Goehring were married on Aug. 28, 1976 - exactly a
year after meeting at Duke Divinity School's orientation - the forecast
for clergy couples was bleak. As it turned out, after the couple
graduated in 1978, their bishop in the United Methodist Church's North
Carolina Annual (regional) Conference was supportive, but there was
concern that clergy couples would be a burden for churches.
Nearly 25 years later, the Goehrings are co-pastors of Jarvis Memorial
United Methodist Church in Greenville, N.C. Their ministry flows with an
ease that belies many years of compromises and challenges as a clergy
couple. They are vocal advocates of the benefits for all involved.
"We do not see the clergy couple as more limited in ministry," David
says. "Rather, we see almost endless possibilities for service."
While co-leadership gives them more time together than serving separate
churches, the Goehrings rarely work side by side. By 10 a.m. on Sundays,
they have led an early worship service and parted ways. While Carol
rehearses with the hand-bell choir in the sanctuary, David is teaching
the "Living the Adventure" Sunday school class in the education
building. Carol opens the 11 a.m. worship in the sanctuary, but it is
her turn to lead a simultaneous contemporary service in the nearby
gymnasium. Somewhere between the announcements and the welcome of new
members, she slips out, sheds her robe for a jacket and hurries to join
worshippers in the gym.
"People are always surprised that David and I aren't with each other all
the time since we 'work together,'" Carol says. "But we feel we each
need to be in different places, doing what needs to be done."
After worship, the Goehrings meet in their offices with daughters
Kendra, 22, and Lindsey, 18, for a discussion without theological
implications: where to have lunch.
Co-leading the 2,100-member Jarvis congregation is a logistical dream
compared to serving separate churches. David was once "a circuit rider"
in his Pinto, traveling among three small churches near Winfall, N.C.,
while Carol served a four-point charge 22 miles away. For Carol to drive
home before evening meetings wasn't feasible, so David became the
primary caregiver for Kendra. That wasn't a bad thing, the couple
agrees, but finding good child care was often a headache.
Family matters
The Revs. Mark and Annette Flynn can relate. Their lives as a clergy
couple changed dramatically when they began a family.
The low point for Annette was moving to a new appointment when their
younger child was 6 weeks old. "I had two small children and no support
system, while Mark was expending his energy in the first year of a new
appointment," she says. Annette took leaves after the birth of each
child, and then chose part-time ministry. "Mark has always had a wife,"
she says. "I did not."
Annette eventually decided to leave pastoral ministry. She is about to
complete her master's degree from Pepperdine University in leadership
and organizational development and is starting her own consulting firm,
Flynn Consulting Group. Mark is the senior pastor at Kern Memorial
United Methodist Church in Oak Ridge, Tenn.
While the church generally supported them as a clergy couple, Annette
finds fault with the broader culture's response to women clergy.
"I believe the social structure of our society and the expectations of
the role of the clergy undermine female clergy - whether or not they are
part of a clergy couple," she says.
Although the ordination of women in the United States dates to 1853,
when the Congregational Church ordained Antoinette Brown, the pastor's
role still seems off-limits to some women. Recent research by Pulpit &
Pew, a Lilly-funded research project on pastoral excellence based at
Duke Divinity School, indicates that resistance to women clergy is not
imaginary: the typical lay search committee's ideal candidate is a
throwback to an earlier era - a young married man with a decade of
experience, a stay-at-home wife, and children.
Never a temptation
For the Revs. Barry and Sandra L. Steiner Ball of Milford, Del., a joint
appointment has never been a temptation.
"We take highly different approaches," says Sandra Steiner Ball,
superintendent for the Dover (Del.) District of the Peninsula-Delaware
Annual Conference. "I believe it would be difficult for us to share an
appointment and to maintain a healthy marriage."
As a clergy couple, the Balls "trusted that God would work through the
appointment system," Sandra says. "However, we also knew that in a
smaller conference like Peninsula-Delaware, even if we were appointed to
opposite ends of the conference, one or both of us would still be able
to commute."
In their first appointment as a clergy couple, Sandra did the commuting.
"Sometimes the commute one way was 30 minutes," she remembers. "At other
times, it was three hours, depending on bridge openings and beach
traffic. Today, Barry is the one who commutes."
Barry, whom she met at Duke Divinity School, is a chaplain with the
Maryland State Department of Natural Resources. In addition to crisis
intervention, he serves on the drug task force and heads up Hot Spots, a
program for troubled youth and their families on the Eastern Shore of
Maryland. Also a captain with the Air Force Reserves, he is on standby
status at the national mortuary at Dover Air Base.
The Balls' two daughters, 14 and 10, became part of their parents'
ministry from the start. Sometimes Sandra was able to take the children
with her. At other times, the couple met midway through the day to pass
off the baby. "I was also blessed with a number of adopted grandparents
who would watch my children when it was not appropriate for them to be
present," Sandra says.
During part of their careers, the Balls served church appointments that
were less than 30 minutes apart. This gave them the opportunity to share
a number of community ministries. But serving different churches, they
acknowledge, can "suck up all your time if you are not intentional about
setting time apart."
Living in the moment
Joey and Connie Shelton had been married for seven years and were
involved in careers when they were called to ministry. Joey was an
attorney and Connie worked with the "United Methodist Hour," the radio
and TV ministry of the Mississippi Annual Conference, when they decided
to move and attend Duke Divinity School.
"It was a relief when we realized that we both felt called to seminary,"
Connie says. "We knew divinity school was the first step."
Both ordained elders, Joey now serves as pastor of Court Street United
Methodist Church in Hattiesburg, Miss. Connie is the executive
director/preacher of the "United Methodist Hour."
"My clergy spouse always understands whatever I am going through,"
Connie says. "At the same time, the emotional demands - from ministry
with the dying to ministry with failing relationships - can cause an
emotional drain on the family. Creating healthy boundaries with ministry
demands is an ongoing challenge."
They strive to be present wherever they are, Connie says, whether with
family or in ministry. "When we have opportunities to combine the two,
we gratefully live in the moment."
*This story was adapted from an article that originally appeared in
Winter 2004 Divinity, the alumni magazine of Duke Divinity School.
Criswell is the school's publication coordinator. Stagg is the magazine
editor and the school's associate director of communications.
********************
A clergy couple survival guide
Mar. 30, 2004
By Elisabeth Stagg*
DURHAM, N.C. (UMNS) - Two clergy couples who know about the challenges
of balancing ministry careers say an important tip in surviving is to
remember that you said, "I do."
The Revs. Susan Pendleton and L. Gregory Jones and the Revs. Joanne and
Willie Jennings, all either on staff at Duke Divinity School or serving
in local ministry, provide clergy couples with several survival tips to
make their ministries - and lives - flourish. (Additional suggestions
also come from clergy couples quoted in UMNS story "Ministry presents
benefits, challenges, for clergy couples.")
ˇ Acknowledge that someone's career must take precedence. Consider
alternating moves to accommodate her and his ministry. Will you both
work full time? Part time? Together? What about when you have children?
ˇ Make a date and gaze into one another's eyes. Language is way
overrated.
ˇ Invest in child care or whatever help will make life easier.
Don't worry so much about the cost; the benefit to the family is
priceless.
ˇ Preserve your devotional life and spiritual disciplines. The
life of a clergy couple can be a breeding ground for anemic spiritual
practices.
ˇ Laugh together as often as possible.
ˇ Find healthy ways to relieve stress.
ˇ Shun all forms of comparison (preaching, teaching, counseling)
and never give your spouse "constructive criticism" immediately after a
sermon.
ˇ Have mercy on your children - remember, they are "double-PKs"
(preacher's kids).
ˇ Before you pray for anyone else, pray for your spouse.
ˇ Remember, you said, "I do."
"As clergy, we can't turn off theology in the way that some couples can
turn off careers in medicine or law or business," adds Susan Jones,
director of special programs at the divinity school. "Remember, as Toni
Morrison puts it: 'It's great when you have a woman (man) who's a friend
of your mind.'"
*This story was adapted from an article that originally appeared in
Winter 2004 Divinity, the alumni magazine of Duke Divinity School. Stagg
is the magazine's editor and the school's associate director of
communications.
********************
United Methodist News Service
Photos and stories also available at:
http://umns.umc.org |
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