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| Homer Yen... |
 Posted: Wed Sep 09, 2009 12:50 am |
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"G.I. Joe" - General Hawk, Meet General Mayhem
by Homer Yen
(c) 2009
Don't get me wrong. I'm not venting my frustrations at the brave men
and women who defend our liberties with their lives. In the real
world and even in this movieworld, the things that our soldiers do are
downright brave. Duty first. Self second. However, the things they
do here go beyond brave. It enters the realm of the selfish, the
stupid, and the unbelievable.
One of the good guys - we'll call them Joes because they call
themselves that too - gets into a prototype plane that he's only heard
rumors about but is able to fly it with the same amount of ease that
we ride a bike. He (ok...code name RipCord played by Marlan Wayans)
starts from the Polar Ice Caps of the North Pole and, at Mach 6,
chases after a warhead travelling at Mach 5 that's headed straight for
Moscow. Once he catches up with it, he then reverses course, flies at
Mach 6, and catches up to another missile headed for DC going at Mach
5 that had a hell of a head start. Of course, he has to make a
life-threatening sacrifice, and there is dead air for 10 seconds as
all of the other Joes wonder about the fate of this pilot. Even the
original cartoon, from which this film takes its cues from, wasn't
this corny. I didn't even mention that controlling the plane requires
audio commands spoken in Celtic.
Haha! All fun and good, I suppose. After all, this is based on a
Saturday morning cartoon and a line of plastic action figures.
Actually, one of the Joes speaks Celtic. Named Scarlett (Rachel
Nichols), she also is especially formidable when donning the Cloak of
Semi-Invisibleness to fight adversaries. And then there is the Ninja
named Snake Eyes (Ray Park) who doesn't speak, and therefore makes for
a very boring character. The bad guys also have a Ninja too who
snickers and sneers all the time, and therefore has much more
character to him then our emotionless Joe-ninja. And there are other
characters, but they become lost amidst the explosions and the car
chases and the endless CGI effects.
As I continue to run through my thoughts about the film, I'm starting
to conclude that this isn't really worth running through my head. It
seemed like a 13-year old put the story together. The CGI effects
dominate the movie. That was probably done by someone older than 13.
And, as resurrected cartoons go, I liked the sub-polar fortress that
housed all of the bad guys and the sub-to-sub battle that ensues.
"G.I. Joe" really belongs in a world of its own. Putting the action
in the real world, like in Paris, doesn't really work.
The movie is just too hectic for its own good. A few backstories try
to humanize some of the characters. But it's edited at breakneck
speed and it really seemed like 5 22-minute distinct cartoon episodes
strung back-to-back. 1) Meet the New Joes; 2) Meet the Existing Joes;
3) Paris under Attack; 4) The Duke and The Baroness & Good Ninja vs.
Evil Ninja; 5) The Rise of Cobra.
I will say this though. Despite my negative review, I am happy that
the film did come out. This has really been a summer that takes
people like me back in time. If you were age 13 in the year 1979,
you'd know how I feel. It was a time when you understood that as a
kid, you could watch TV all Saturday long but not have to shoulder any
responsibilities. And, perhaps your two favorite cartoons of the era
were G.I Joe and the Transformers. It hasn't been a good summer for
film. But it has been a welcome throwback for people who were age 13
in 1979.
Grade: C
S: 1 out of 3
L: 0 out of 3
V: 2 out of 3 |
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