Must send this on to alt.home.repair & rec.woodworking.

Please do not use any of the tools below while reading this. I am not
responsible for any accidents. Read at your own risk. Please sit down
now or you might fall over.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted
project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could
get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
to say, "Oh, ****!"

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing
race..

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering
your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
use.

Son of a b*tch TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling "Son of a ****" at the top of your lungs. It is
also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

In article <4aece605$0$11303$822641b3 at (no spam) news.adtechcomputers.com>, David
Nebenzahl <nobody at (no spam) but.us.chickens> wrote:

Must send this on to alt.home.repair & rec.woodworking.

Like clockwork, about every 18 months...

"Dave Balderstone" <dave at (no spam) N_O_T_T_H_I_Sbalderstone.ca> wrote in message
news:311020091950192789%dave at (no spam) N_O_T_T_H_I_Sbalderstone.ca...
In article <4aece605$0$11303$822641b3 at (no spam) news.adtechcomputers.com>, David
Nebenzahl <nobody at (no spam) but.us.chickens> wrote:

Must send this on to alt.home.repair & rec.woodworking.

Like clockwork, about every 18 months...


I saw it HERE about 3 months ago.

On Sun, 1 Nov 2009 08:39:21 -0600, "Leon" <lcb11211 at (no spam) swbell.dotnet
wrote:


"Dave Balderstone" <dave at (no spam) N_O_T_T_H_I_Sbalderstone.ca> wrote in
message news:311020091950192789%dave at (no spam) N_O_T_T_H_I_Sbalderstone.ca...
In article <4aece605$0$11303$822641b3 at (no spam) news.adtechcomputers.com>,
David Nebenzahl <nobody at (no spam) but.us.chickens> wrote:

Must send this on to alt.home.repair & rec.woodworking.

Like clockwork, about every 18 months...


I saw it HERE about 3 months ago.


Which is why crossposting is rarely a good idea. It has never
appeared HERE.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
to say, "Oh, ****!"

"Dave Balderstone" wrote:
David Nebenzahl wrote:

Must send this on to alt.home.repair & rec.woodworking.

Like clockwork, about every 18 months...

I saw it HERE about 3 months ago.

Rich <gagnonrchrd at (no spam) netscape.net> writes:

[most of the funny deleted]

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
to say, "Oh, ****!"

Oh man I hate that thing. I can't count how many parts that just needed a
little touching up ended up bouncing off a wall because I pushed just a
*little* too hard. See also stationary belt sander (aka, the conveyor belt
to hell) and grinding wheel. *
--
* PV Something like badgers, something like lizards, and something
like corkscrews.

the worst tool I always found was the 1/2" pneumatic drill. no matter how
hard you try you end up flung on the other side of the room after the bit
grabs

In article <rOqHm.3385$cW.3010 at (no spam) newsreading01.news.tds.net>,
"jeff miller" <jdmiller at (no spam) tds.net> wrote:

the worst tool I always found was the 1/2" pneumatic drill. no matter how
hard you try you end up flung on the other side of the room after the bit
grabs

You should try the 1" pneumatic drill, it can throw 3 guys across the
room and break the 3/4" bit all at the same time.

In article <rOqHm.3385$cW.3010 at (no spam) newsreading01.news.tds.net>,
"jeff miller" <jdmiller at (no spam) tds.net> wrote:

the worst tool I always found was the 1/2" pneumatic drill. no matter
how
hard you try you end up flung on the other side of the room after the bit
grabs

You should try the 1" pneumatic drill, it can throw 3 guys across the
room and break the 3/4" bit all at the same time.